When I met Andrew, my world was shaken enough that it prompted me to start this blog. How I felt about him when we first met was the first thing I blogged about. There is no end to the way that he changed my life and there is no part of me that feels happy to say goodbye, but there is a large part of me that feels it is right. That even though it hurts and I don't want it, there is no other way.
When I re-read that first blog I wrote, it struck me that what Andrew taught me was that I was wrong, that there was a man out there that could love me. I hope I can hold on to that through the hurt and the separation and the pain and the anger. I hope I can hold on to that forever.
In the beginning, there was the tiniest bit of hope. And in the end, that is still all there is. A tiny little bit of hope that I could have what I want. But now it's my job to take that little bit of hope and crush it, kill it, burn it, ruin it. So I can move on.
In the meantime, this blog was my journey through the part of my life that began with him. I've decided to end this blog now, as that part of my life is coming to a close. It's not just the end of the relationship that has prompted this. In many ways recently, it just didn't feel like the blog belonged to me anymore. So I'm going to let it go. I think I will eventually take up residence somewhere else, somewhere more anonymous, but for now my focus will be reducing my time online and improving the life that surrounds me every day.
Thank you to all of you for reading, for commenting, for being a part of my life. The end.
Teaching my first classes
I am going to take a break from all the personal stuff today and talk about something fun that happened a few weeks ago. I got to teach the kettlebell and circuit classes at the gym for 5 days. Eventually I will be teaching there every day, and I have been patiently waiting for that day to get here. At least I got my feet wet and started working on making up workouts and putting together playlists and learning how people like to be taught so I don't go into it blind when it's time for me to take over full time.
I really enjoy watching people work hard for their fitness. There are some people that come to class and give it 50% and I like those people, too. As long as they are there and it is a good part of their day, I don't care whether they work as hard as I would. But the ones that really give it all they have are so fun to watch and SO motivating and inspiring to me. I am very lucky and blessed to be able to help facilitate that part of people's days.
Here are some pictures I took with my phone:
Swinging 20kg bell - she worked hard!
One of the kettlebell workouts I put together (we did as many as possible in 5 minutes for each round) :
Circuit class:
Thad is a regular and often does two workouts a day:
And here are two short videos of classes. They are pretty lame but you can see the general set-up of a class:
I really enjoy watching people work hard for their fitness. There are some people that come to class and give it 50% and I like those people, too. As long as they are there and it is a good part of their day, I don't care whether they work as hard as I would. But the ones that really give it all they have are so fun to watch and SO motivating and inspiring to me. I am very lucky and blessed to be able to help facilitate that part of people's days.
Here are some pictures I took with my phone:
Swinging 20kg bell - she worked hard!
One of the kettlebell workouts I put together (we did as many as possible in 5 minutes for each round) :
Circuit class:
Thad is a regular and often does two workouts a day:
And here are two short videos of classes. They are pretty lame but you can see the general set-up of a class:
Competitive Spirit
OK, this is the blog I intended to write that turned into a whine-fest, so now that I have gotten the whining out of the way, let's talk about training.
I am signed up for the Goofy Challenge. Haley and I signed up together because it was the 5th anniversary of the first time she did Goofy and we all met in Orlando and did the 5K in costume and all that. Then I got pregnant and had to cancel on her. Then I was back in. THEN she has to go and get deployed to Iraq so now SHE can't do the race. Boohoo. :( I am going to miss her a lot.
So I have this race to train for. In case you aren't familiar with it, the Goofy Challenge is the Disney 1/2 marathon on Saturday and the full marathon on Sunday. I've done it twice and it is definitely one of the most fun races I have done. I am looking forward to it because I know I'll love it and because the nature of the race means it's hard to go into it too worried about your times. It takes a lot of pressure off. I know I am ready to train for SOMETHING because twice in the week that I took off to recover from my procedure, I caught a glimpse of my competitive spirit still lurking inside me.
The first time was at the park, where I decided to go for a walk in my first attempt to return to exercise. Well, I was walking slow. I knew I was walking slow but I didn't want to push it. But then I got passed by another walker. It hurt my pride but I let her go and sourly watched her get farther and farther away from me. How could I be walking THAT slow that some lady is likely to LAP me if I give her enough time? Well, I soon got my chance to amend the situation - she stopped to tie her shoe. I wonder if she really had to sneak off into the woods to pee or something, though, because she took forever fiddling with her shoe, and I was able to pass her while she fiddled at the park bench. I decided I was not going to let her pass me again, so I picked up my blistering walking pace. After awhile I looked behind me and there was no sign of her. She had either gone the other way or was still busy in the woods. :) But either way, I felt like an idiot.
Then 2 days later I went to the farm for a butter-making workshop. We each got a Mason jar full of heavy cream that we had to shake until the butter separated from the buttermilk. I thought to myself "Oh, I'm in good shape, I can beat all these people at butter-making with all the upper body strength I have". Yes, I know...it's embarrassing to admit this. So I started shaking that cream and I did beat everyone, so there! I don't care that my competition was a bunch of women and children...I beat them!
Clearly, I need to find a more meaningful outlet for my competitive nature, which is why I started thinking about Goofy! As much as I love my time in the gym, I don't have a desire to pursue any tangible goals with kettlebells besides passing the certification test. I need something else to work on.
The big question is, how do I train for Goofy while following my own advice about what is healthy and good for me and what will enhance my health and well being? I know the race itself is not good for me. I can accept that I will do races that are not good for my body because it is not very often that I do long races. It's the daily excessive cardio that I do not want to do. I don't believe it is good for overall health due to the fact that it reduces immune function, leads to an excessive need for simple carbs, frequently leads to injury, trades overall fitness for specialized fitness, and leaves me feeling sore and tired rather than energized and strong.
I see this as a GREAT opportunity to experiment with alternative training protocols so that I can begin to help other people combine a love of endurance sports with a healthier lifestyle that focuses on long-term health and wellness rather than just focusing on the present. That short-term focus may may make you a great triathlete or marathoner, but I don't believe it will make you healthier or help you live well in your old age or make you happy or allow you to flourish in other areas of your life. I hope I can prove for myself that there is a way to be GOOD ENOUGH at endurance races that allows for:
personal satisfaction and enjoyment
healthy and challenging goal setting
a marriage of what is good in both endurance sports and general fitness.
For example, recently I have been reminded of how mentally rewarding it is to get on my bike and ride out in the country. I missed that SO much, and I will never get it in the gym or while doing a 10 minute tabata run outside. There needs to be a place for that in my life. I can get that while running long, too, as long as my fitness is there and it isn't too hard and I don't do it very often!
I need to compromise some things to train for Goofy. I need to accept some fatigue, maybe a lot of fatigue, for a day or two after a long run. I have to accept that I may need to start cycling carbs on the weekends. I might gain some weight because cardio makes me eat more. I need to accept that I may not go as fast as I would on regular marathon training if I only choose to run 3 times a week, but that the overall benefits outweight that negative. Like I said, I don't need to be super fast to feel a sense of reward and accomplishment. I need to be fast enough that it feels like it was worth it. Off the top of my head, I would say that means a time of around 4 hours for the marathon. I think I can do that on 3 runs a week. If I succeed, than I can help others do the same. If I fail, then I will know that what I tried doesn't work and I will go back to the drawing board.
I have not thought this out very much, but my initial thoughts are to do three runs a week. One tabata or Crossfit Endurance run, one short-to-medium tempo and one long run a week. I would also continue with circuit class and kettlebell work 2-3 times each a week. I am not sure yet how far I am willing to run in training and whether I should consider doing two moderate back to back runs instead of one long run a week. Andrew and I are going to talk it over this weekend. Whatever it is, it won't look much like a traditional marathon plan...and I hope it won't feel like one, either.
I am signed up for the Goofy Challenge. Haley and I signed up together because it was the 5th anniversary of the first time she did Goofy and we all met in Orlando and did the 5K in costume and all that. Then I got pregnant and had to cancel on her. Then I was back in. THEN she has to go and get deployed to Iraq so now SHE can't do the race. Boohoo. :( I am going to miss her a lot.
So I have this race to train for. In case you aren't familiar with it, the Goofy Challenge is the Disney 1/2 marathon on Saturday and the full marathon on Sunday. I've done it twice and it is definitely one of the most fun races I have done. I am looking forward to it because I know I'll love it and because the nature of the race means it's hard to go into it too worried about your times. It takes a lot of pressure off. I know I am ready to train for SOMETHING because twice in the week that I took off to recover from my procedure, I caught a glimpse of my competitive spirit still lurking inside me.
The first time was at the park, where I decided to go for a walk in my first attempt to return to exercise. Well, I was walking slow. I knew I was walking slow but I didn't want to push it. But then I got passed by another walker. It hurt my pride but I let her go and sourly watched her get farther and farther away from me. How could I be walking THAT slow that some lady is likely to LAP me if I give her enough time? Well, I soon got my chance to amend the situation - she stopped to tie her shoe. I wonder if she really had to sneak off into the woods to pee or something, though, because she took forever fiddling with her shoe, and I was able to pass her while she fiddled at the park bench. I decided I was not going to let her pass me again, so I picked up my blistering walking pace. After awhile I looked behind me and there was no sign of her. She had either gone the other way or was still busy in the woods. :) But either way, I felt like an idiot.
Then 2 days later I went to the farm for a butter-making workshop. We each got a Mason jar full of heavy cream that we had to shake until the butter separated from the buttermilk. I thought to myself "Oh, I'm in good shape, I can beat all these people at butter-making with all the upper body strength I have". Yes, I know...it's embarrassing to admit this. So I started shaking that cream and I did beat everyone, so there! I don't care that my competition was a bunch of women and children...I beat them!
Clearly, I need to find a more meaningful outlet for my competitive nature, which is why I started thinking about Goofy! As much as I love my time in the gym, I don't have a desire to pursue any tangible goals with kettlebells besides passing the certification test. I need something else to work on.
The big question is, how do I train for Goofy while following my own advice about what is healthy and good for me and what will enhance my health and well being? I know the race itself is not good for me. I can accept that I will do races that are not good for my body because it is not very often that I do long races. It's the daily excessive cardio that I do not want to do. I don't believe it is good for overall health due to the fact that it reduces immune function, leads to an excessive need for simple carbs, frequently leads to injury, trades overall fitness for specialized fitness, and leaves me feeling sore and tired rather than energized and strong.
I see this as a GREAT opportunity to experiment with alternative training protocols so that I can begin to help other people combine a love of endurance sports with a healthier lifestyle that focuses on long-term health and wellness rather than just focusing on the present. That short-term focus may may make you a great triathlete or marathoner, but I don't believe it will make you healthier or help you live well in your old age or make you happy or allow you to flourish in other areas of your life. I hope I can prove for myself that there is a way to be GOOD ENOUGH at endurance races that allows for:
personal satisfaction and enjoyment
healthy and challenging goal setting
a marriage of what is good in both endurance sports and general fitness.
For example, recently I have been reminded of how mentally rewarding it is to get on my bike and ride out in the country. I missed that SO much, and I will never get it in the gym or while doing a 10 minute tabata run outside. There needs to be a place for that in my life. I can get that while running long, too, as long as my fitness is there and it isn't too hard and I don't do it very often!
I need to compromise some things to train for Goofy. I need to accept some fatigue, maybe a lot of fatigue, for a day or two after a long run. I have to accept that I may need to start cycling carbs on the weekends. I might gain some weight because cardio makes me eat more. I need to accept that I may not go as fast as I would on regular marathon training if I only choose to run 3 times a week, but that the overall benefits outweight that negative. Like I said, I don't need to be super fast to feel a sense of reward and accomplishment. I need to be fast enough that it feels like it was worth it. Off the top of my head, I would say that means a time of around 4 hours for the marathon. I think I can do that on 3 runs a week. If I succeed, than I can help others do the same. If I fail, then I will know that what I tried doesn't work and I will go back to the drawing board.
I have not thought this out very much, but my initial thoughts are to do three runs a week. One tabata or Crossfit Endurance run, one short-to-medium tempo and one long run a week. I would also continue with circuit class and kettlebell work 2-3 times each a week. I am not sure yet how far I am willing to run in training and whether I should consider doing two moderate back to back runs instead of one long run a week. Andrew and I are going to talk it over this weekend. Whatever it is, it won't look much like a traditional marathon plan...and I hope it won't feel like one, either.
Oops, I'm whining
Things are getting back to normal around here. I haven't had time to blog yet this week, which is a good thing. Nothing better than staying busy when you are greatly at risk for thinking about things too much!
I went back to the gym on Monday. I did a circuit class and wanted to die! It was so hard...I had clearly forgotten how hard it is to exercise at max heart-rate. Then on Tuesday I did a tabata run and once again wanted to die. It's during those 4 minutes of pain that I wish I could go back to long, slow, distance. It's so much easier! But that is not what I want and not what I believe to be best for overall health, so I imagined that I was out on a hunt and chasing down my dinner and got over it.
I have been thinking a lot about what I need to do with myself now. Things changed, then changed back again to almost what things were before...but it's not the same. In theory I should just return to the path I was on, because nothing has really changed. But it just doesn't work that way. I don't know how to express this and it frustrates me a lot. It's as if a tornado picked me up, spun me around for awhile and made me dizzy, and then placed me right back where it found me and now I have to continue to go forward like nothing happened. I feel like I have been abducted by aliens but have to act like nothing happened because I know people wouldn't understand if I went crazy and talked about being probed in my butt by beings with giant heads.
Of course, there really is no other option but to adapt and make the most out of every situation (and by that I really mean LEARN the most from every situation), so now I have to do the hard thing and put it all behind me and not resent the situation or wonder "what if".
I guess I feel a little torn. I am happy to be moving on and getting back to normal, but I also feel some pressure to do so. There are times when I still want to talk about what happened or be sad or weak or needy and I don't feel I can do that anymore. So I do feel some resentment - not of any people, but just of the situation. I want people to see that I am moving on and accepting this wonderful lesson in learning how to deal with stress and how to cope with loss and who to lean on and all that. But I also secretly still want someone to comfort me, someone who will still let me be a baby and cry and stuff. I still need that a little bit. I know I am whining but maybe just whining a little is enough to make me feel better.
Originally this was supposed to be a blog about getting back to exercise and training for the Goofy Challenge. I am kind of surprised that it turned into a whining session but what comes out is what needs to come out, I guess. It still hurts to see pregnant ladies, it still hurts to walk past the diapers and maternity clothes in Target, it still hurts to let go of all of that. It doesn't hurt on the outside anymore. I can talk about it in a very casual way with my friends and not cry or get upset. I can tell people what happened without pausing to hold back tears. I can make jokes about it. Best of all, I can talk about OTHER THINGS. But inside it still hurts and inside I want to scream and yell still and inside I am still angry.
I am resentful of all the things I was doing before the baby because now I have to continue to do those things but without the enthusiasm I had before. What used to be intentional now just feels mandatory. Going back to school, training, having a long distance relationship...it all feels like sloppy seconds now that the future I had gotten excited about is gone. All that stuff was meaningful to me before and it will be again, but I can't say that all those things will be enough for me anymore. And right now that stinks. That is what I am resentful about, that the life I had before just doesn't seem good enough anymore. Maybe that is the lesson I am meant to learn from this experience. Maybe I am meant to feel this dissatisfaction so that I am forced to dream a little loftier and dig a little deeper. I'll have to think about that some more.
I went back to the gym on Monday. I did a circuit class and wanted to die! It was so hard...I had clearly forgotten how hard it is to exercise at max heart-rate. Then on Tuesday I did a tabata run and once again wanted to die. It's during those 4 minutes of pain that I wish I could go back to long, slow, distance. It's so much easier! But that is not what I want and not what I believe to be best for overall health, so I imagined that I was out on a hunt and chasing down my dinner and got over it.
I have been thinking a lot about what I need to do with myself now. Things changed, then changed back again to almost what things were before...but it's not the same. In theory I should just return to the path I was on, because nothing has really changed. But it just doesn't work that way. I don't know how to express this and it frustrates me a lot. It's as if a tornado picked me up, spun me around for awhile and made me dizzy, and then placed me right back where it found me and now I have to continue to go forward like nothing happened. I feel like I have been abducted by aliens but have to act like nothing happened because I know people wouldn't understand if I went crazy and talked about being probed in my butt by beings with giant heads.
Of course, there really is no other option but to adapt and make the most out of every situation (and by that I really mean LEARN the most from every situation), so now I have to do the hard thing and put it all behind me and not resent the situation or wonder "what if".
I guess I feel a little torn. I am happy to be moving on and getting back to normal, but I also feel some pressure to do so. There are times when I still want to talk about what happened or be sad or weak or needy and I don't feel I can do that anymore. So I do feel some resentment - not of any people, but just of the situation. I want people to see that I am moving on and accepting this wonderful lesson in learning how to deal with stress and how to cope with loss and who to lean on and all that. But I also secretly still want someone to comfort me, someone who will still let me be a baby and cry and stuff. I still need that a little bit. I know I am whining but maybe just whining a little is enough to make me feel better.
Originally this was supposed to be a blog about getting back to exercise and training for the Goofy Challenge. I am kind of surprised that it turned into a whining session but what comes out is what needs to come out, I guess. It still hurts to see pregnant ladies, it still hurts to walk past the diapers and maternity clothes in Target, it still hurts to let go of all of that. It doesn't hurt on the outside anymore. I can talk about it in a very casual way with my friends and not cry or get upset. I can tell people what happened without pausing to hold back tears. I can make jokes about it. Best of all, I can talk about OTHER THINGS. But inside it still hurts and inside I want to scream and yell still and inside I am still angry.
I am resentful of all the things I was doing before the baby because now I have to continue to do those things but without the enthusiasm I had before. What used to be intentional now just feels mandatory. Going back to school, training, having a long distance relationship...it all feels like sloppy seconds now that the future I had gotten excited about is gone. All that stuff was meaningful to me before and it will be again, but I can't say that all those things will be enough for me anymore. And right now that stinks. That is what I am resentful about, that the life I had before just doesn't seem good enough anymore. Maybe that is the lesson I am meant to learn from this experience. Maybe I am meant to feel this dissatisfaction so that I am forced to dream a little loftier and dig a little deeper. I'll have to think about that some more.
A new recipe for disaster
This is what I needed...to see myself getting a bit better every day. Yesterday was a HUGE day for me. I was busy and out of the house for most of the day and I didn't cry in public or even in the car although I did still have many moments of sadness and doubt and fear and worry and all that.
I ate about 1,000 calories of real food, which is more than I have managed to eat all week.
I went to Trader Joe's and managed to walk with my head up instead of down (no ugly "I've been crying all day" face). I managed to almost smile at people and be normal.
I went to Publix, too, because I forgot a million things at Trader Joe's that I needed. I have been very spacey and forgetful this week.
I made an appointment to get my hair done. I had been waiting until my 2nd trimester to make a hair appt. and my head looks awful. So now that the baby is gone I can at least get my freaking hair done.
I called my insurance company and had an intelligent conversation with them but I didn't manage to call them back like I was supposed to later in the day. That's still a success, though.
I volunteered in school for a couple of hours and talked to a couple of friends there without crying. I even laughed and joked and stuff.
I went to Back to School Night and suffered the agony of a PTO meeting. That took up 2.5 precious hours of my life that I will never get back. I think parents should be automatically excused from back to school night after 10 consecutive years of attendance.
I cooked myself a real lunch. Eggs and bacon and spinach and bell pepper and scallion. My old typical lunch. I guess I'm not used to real food, though, because it didn't stay in my stomach long, if you know what I mean. Which reminds me, I was so annoyed that I forgot to buy uncured bacon at TJ's where it's cheap. I HAD to have bacon so I ended up buying the only uncured bacon they carry at Publix, which I remember now I don't like. It's think sliced and too salty and I paid 6.99 for 9 freaking pieces of bacon. That is so stupid.
Soooo..........I'm still very much in emotional turmoil right now. There are so many things I am questioning and worrying over that I don't want to be thinking about. But I have to think about these things, I have to work through it, I have to come to peace with everything. Anything that forces me to really face my problems, my doubts, my fears, my concerns, my future, and what I really and truly want from my relationships with others is a good thing. It's so hard to have to face things that are usually ignored but I know I am always better off for dealing with them. I will either gain better clarity regarding what I want and will more firmly understand what needs to change or I will understand that I can't have what I want and will come to terms with it in some way (good or bad but better in the long run, regardless). It's life, I guess. It's hard. I hate these times when I have to do this but I know it's a blessing because each time I have to re-evaluate I come out of it a little more sure of things.
Andrew and I were talking about this yesterday. There are some things in life that we hate but that make us stronger. Every hard/difficult/bad/sad/frustrating/annoying thing or situation that happens to us can be an obstacle or an opportunity. When you are faced with a situation that shakes you up, that makes you uncomfortable, that forces you to face a harsh reality, that makes you feel humility, or that challenges your patience, you have an opportunity. It's an opportunity to grow. Good times, smooth sailing, and good luck don't do that. We all have to remember that we cannot truly appreciate and marvel at the blessings in our lives without knowing pain and suffering and anguish. We grow in the bad times so we can glow in the good times.
It gives me comfort to think about this. If I can take these bad times and doubts and hardship that I have been given right now and grow as much as possible from them, then I will be glowing more brightly in my future. I believe that in my heart and it comforts me and makes me excited to work hard on myself.
I ate about 1,000 calories of real food, which is more than I have managed to eat all week.
I went to Trader Joe's and managed to walk with my head up instead of down (no ugly "I've been crying all day" face). I managed to almost smile at people and be normal.
I went to Publix, too, because I forgot a million things at Trader Joe's that I needed. I have been very spacey and forgetful this week.
I made an appointment to get my hair done. I had been waiting until my 2nd trimester to make a hair appt. and my head looks awful. So now that the baby is gone I can at least get my freaking hair done.
I called my insurance company and had an intelligent conversation with them but I didn't manage to call them back like I was supposed to later in the day. That's still a success, though.
I volunteered in school for a couple of hours and talked to a couple of friends there without crying. I even laughed and joked and stuff.
I went to Back to School Night and suffered the agony of a PTO meeting. That took up 2.5 precious hours of my life that I will never get back. I think parents should be automatically excused from back to school night after 10 consecutive years of attendance.
I cooked myself a real lunch. Eggs and bacon and spinach and bell pepper and scallion. My old typical lunch. I guess I'm not used to real food, though, because it didn't stay in my stomach long, if you know what I mean. Which reminds me, I was so annoyed that I forgot to buy uncured bacon at TJ's where it's cheap. I HAD to have bacon so I ended up buying the only uncured bacon they carry at Publix, which I remember now I don't like. It's think sliced and too salty and I paid 6.99 for 9 freaking pieces of bacon. That is so stupid.
Soooo..........I'm still very much in emotional turmoil right now. There are so many things I am questioning and worrying over that I don't want to be thinking about. But I have to think about these things, I have to work through it, I have to come to peace with everything. Anything that forces me to really face my problems, my doubts, my fears, my concerns, my future, and what I really and truly want from my relationships with others is a good thing. It's so hard to have to face things that are usually ignored but I know I am always better off for dealing with them. I will either gain better clarity regarding what I want and will more firmly understand what needs to change or I will understand that I can't have what I want and will come to terms with it in some way (good or bad but better in the long run, regardless). It's life, I guess. It's hard. I hate these times when I have to do this but I know it's a blessing because each time I have to re-evaluate I come out of it a little more sure of things.
Andrew and I were talking about this yesterday. There are some things in life that we hate but that make us stronger. Every hard/difficult/bad/sad/frustrating/annoying thing or situation that happens to us can be an obstacle or an opportunity. When you are faced with a situation that shakes you up, that makes you uncomfortable, that forces you to face a harsh reality, that makes you feel humility, or that challenges your patience, you have an opportunity. It's an opportunity to grow. Good times, smooth sailing, and good luck don't do that. We all have to remember that we cannot truly appreciate and marvel at the blessings in our lives without knowing pain and suffering and anguish. We grow in the bad times so we can glow in the good times.
It gives me comfort to think about this. If I can take these bad times and doubts and hardship that I have been given right now and grow as much as possible from them, then I will be glowing more brightly in my future. I believe that in my heart and it comforts me and makes me excited to work hard on myself.
Another Day
Yesterday was a terrible day. Terrible. I feel a bit better, but mostly I just feel bad but in a different way. I know a lot of this doesn't make much sense to those reading, and that is because there has been a lot of stuff going on that I haven't talked about- things that made the situation a lot worse. So in a way I feel better because some of those other things started getting resolved a bit yesterday but at the same time it's left a huge whole in my heart and I still feel some very uncomfortable emotions - bitterness, anger, resentment, fear, loneliness. I'm struggling a lot with what is right versus what feels good in some areas of my life and it's not a struggle I wanted to face right now when I am already dealing with so much other stress with losing the baby.
So in the midst of my really dark day yesterday, my friend read my blog and called me and asked me to meet him for lunch. He even offered to come get me but I felt ok enough to drive myself there. I was happy he called because we both knew I needed to eat something and I needed to talk and I just needed SOMEONE here in front of me, not on the phone or on the computer. So we met for lunch and the first thing I did was just rest my head on his shoulder...I needed that. I just needed someone to hold me up for a second. Of course I started crying like an idiot in public and had to order my food like that but I couldn't help it.
So we sat for an hour and I ate some real food for the first time in 2 days and he just let me talk and talk and cry and talk and fuss and moan and complain and talk. And then he bought me a little peppermint patty (it's my favorite candy) and I went home. The fact that he is my ex-husband proved to be quite helpful, too, as we talked a lot about relationships and it was really interesting to hear his perspective on things. Not only does he know me and how I am in relationships, but he knows what I used to be like and what HE used to be like and it's comforting to realize how much people CAN and DO change with time. Does that make any sense? He and I are nothing like we were with each other to our current partners. He "helped" me remember some of the stupid and mean stuff I did that I would never do now. Like throw phones at someone's head. Ahem. And he helped me see that some of the stuff he couldn't do with me he has learned to do with his current wife. And that some things take many YEARS to change and develop in people and that's just life. I don't know..it just seemed to be what I needed to hear.
So yes, obviously I am not just coping with the loss of the baby but also coping with the changes it has brought to my relationship with Andrew. I think that's been the harder loss to suffer, the loss of the future we had and a return to the limbo I felt I was in before, where our future is unclear and our present is dominated by decisions and discussions and roadblocks and uncertainties and challenges. It's all very hard to cope with. And we haven't been coping with it well.
One day at a time. That's all I can do right now. I cannot lie around anymore. I have stuff that HAS to be done today and this evening. I can't believe it's only been a week since I went to the hospital. It seems so long ago, as if every day is 10 days of living. I look back on the last week and it seems like someone threw us in a blender. But the awful truth is that for the most part we threw ourselves in the blender. Or we at least turned in on and chewed ourselves up.
So in the midst of my really dark day yesterday, my friend read my blog and called me and asked me to meet him for lunch. He even offered to come get me but I felt ok enough to drive myself there. I was happy he called because we both knew I needed to eat something and I needed to talk and I just needed SOMEONE here in front of me, not on the phone or on the computer. So we met for lunch and the first thing I did was just rest my head on his shoulder...I needed that. I just needed someone to hold me up for a second. Of course I started crying like an idiot in public and had to order my food like that but I couldn't help it.
So we sat for an hour and I ate some real food for the first time in 2 days and he just let me talk and talk and cry and talk and fuss and moan and complain and talk. And then he bought me a little peppermint patty (it's my favorite candy) and I went home. The fact that he is my ex-husband proved to be quite helpful, too, as we talked a lot about relationships and it was really interesting to hear his perspective on things. Not only does he know me and how I am in relationships, but he knows what I used to be like and what HE used to be like and it's comforting to realize how much people CAN and DO change with time. Does that make any sense? He and I are nothing like we were with each other to our current partners. He "helped" me remember some of the stupid and mean stuff I did that I would never do now. Like throw phones at someone's head. Ahem. And he helped me see that some of the stuff he couldn't do with me he has learned to do with his current wife. And that some things take many YEARS to change and develop in people and that's just life. I don't know..it just seemed to be what I needed to hear.
So yes, obviously I am not just coping with the loss of the baby but also coping with the changes it has brought to my relationship with Andrew. I think that's been the harder loss to suffer, the loss of the future we had and a return to the limbo I felt I was in before, where our future is unclear and our present is dominated by decisions and discussions and roadblocks and uncertainties and challenges. It's all very hard to cope with. And we haven't been coping with it well.
One day at a time. That's all I can do right now. I cannot lie around anymore. I have stuff that HAS to be done today and this evening. I can't believe it's only been a week since I went to the hospital. It seems so long ago, as if every day is 10 days of living. I look back on the last week and it seems like someone threw us in a blender. But the awful truth is that for the most part we threw ourselves in the blender. Or we at least turned in on and chewed ourselves up.
.....
I can't do this. I don't know how to deal with this. I can't leave my house without crying. I tried yesterday and I made it to one store and had to go home. Today I tried again. I went to the UPS store to send all my maternity clothes back to Old Navy. Then I went to Target to get shampoo and boxer shorts for one of my kids. I kept forgetting why I was there. I was just walking in a daze and then would remember I was in public and I was there for something and would remember. I wanted so badly to try again to go to school to volunteer but after Target I started sobbing in the car so I had to come home. I have never, ever in my life been this heartbroken. I have never felt so alone, so isolated, so struck by grief and helplessness. I don't know how to get over this. I don't know if I can. I need to eat. I can't get myself to eat anything. I need and want and long for something I just can't have anymore and I can't deal with it. I can't deal with this huge hole that's been torn out of my heart.
Someone tell me I will survive this.
Someone tell me I will survive this.
